Hollywood is experiencing a major baby boom!
From A-list actors to super models and ordinary post pubescent Kenyans. The
earth thanks you Beyoncé and Mr. Knowles for setting that trend. Have we made planet
Mars habitable yet? Am almost certain overpopulation is going to surpass global
warming as a threat to humanity; at this rate we do not only need to reduce our
carbon footprints, we need fewer feet.
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| or baby Ivy Blue |
On a relatable note, what is with this “baby”
burst among my peers? It seems like everywhere I look; there is a baby bump or
baby profile pictures and who the hell is baby-crazy in their early 20’s?! I would
be crying into my soup if I was 30yr with 2 or 3 cats but my biological clock
is that far from going off. I love babies; they are simply the most adorable
creatures in the universe, with their gummy grins and tiny feet. I am guessing
all this is designed to make you forget that these crotch-fruits are incessant
pits of need! Giant parasites that use up all your resources (if you even have
anything at 20something), and do nothing in return but scream for absolutely no
reason at! Why my age mates are having babies? Either condoms are defective
(hello Catholics!) or those emergency birth control pills that are being popped
like tic-tacs every other weekend have ceased to work because I am almost
certain you are not all dumb enough to have unprotected sex in these times.
Okay, does this high horse I rode in on make my
bum look fat? *chuckles* I reckon wolf and I would have our own brood of finger
babies by now if it was possible…you know, homosexuality being the most
effective contraceptive and all. (Take that, unplanned pregnancy!).
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| WHHHYYYY???!!! |
I am happily single. No one believes me. I have
always been that creature too prone to passionate excess to thrive within the conjugal
yoke (except with my wolf); being unattached better suits my character and
disposition. At the moment, I am much more “contained”, it helps that wolf and
I agree that good sex shouldn’t go to waste just because of a break up.
Distance and deprivation has also fuelled our longing for each other. Every time my phone beeps my heart does a
front flip into my mouth…all that extra weight sitting on my parched tongue … Those
random weekends of payback shag are a godsend! Payback in the sense of
vengeance as well as reward; infused into these passions are tones of both
gratitude and retribution.
It’s fantastic! Thinking about it makes me want to
light a cigarette! Damn! I do get why they say you are not supposed to marry
the best sex of your life, it simply shows you are pushing each other’s
dysfunctional buttons. There is also
this sense of safety that we have developed, a safety so deep it means we can
say anything without calculating what we both stand to lose. It sure feels that
way on my end. No more biting my nails over a foreboding brain to mouth filter
malfunction.
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| sshhhh! |
Dates: I hate first dates. Always have. The
anxiety, awkwardness and the tedious small talk! Oh first dates are
insufferable! Plus I do not think who I am fits in with first dates! I am
comfortable putting it all out there, no holds barred. When I feel something, I
want to explore it, without boundaries or squinty judgmental eyes. Also not a
fun of dressing up and using a knife and fork, (makes eating so impersonal); I
would rather be stuffing my face with a humongous juicy burger dripping with
condiments and shrieking delightfully any
day! The absolute poster child of what not to do or say on first dates!
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| "are you from around? |
In the past I have gone on horrible first dates
and proceeded to enter relationships with people who were glaringly balls to
the walls crazy, most times, in a desperate attempt to fill up that hole *wink!
Wink! Nudge! Nudge!* she leaves every time she goes. Ever known one of those
people who talk and talk…and talk, and the more they talk, the less relevant
you become. Their interest in you becomes completely obliterated. They heave
forth these thoughts of theirs in a way that totally discounts your existence
and you grow bored irritated and, in a curious way, resentful (because you are
a closeted attention whore). Or attempted to have a conversation with someone
who is the verbal equivalent of huffing paint! Frustrating! I have only been on one of those since the
breakup, for reasons other than “hole-filling”. Wolf admitted a tinge of
jealousy, which made me want to punch her in the mouth…with my own
mouth…softly…yes I like her…yes STILL. I did stomp on that budding sapiosexual
attraction with my abandonment issues boots, for reasons I would rather not
discuss, but do not include allowing another woman who clearly has harbored an
eternal crush on ‘her’ to tag along on the first date. Awkward cannot begin to
describe that. I still ended up soothing and reassuring my date at the end of
the day that I liked her better. (You see it too dontcha?)
It’s
not all guns and roses though…I hope I used that phrase right. I miss my best
friend; I miss my soul mate…moon of my moon. It breaks my heart every day that
no matter what I do, I can never make it up to wolf. I will never deserve that
level of love and dedication, not in this life time at least. It’s just me,
warts and all.
I am happily single…maybe. I am neither searching nor am I in a hurry to
be found. I am right where I need to be. Believe me.
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| ALL THE SINGLE LADIES! |
DISCLAIMER: (like this is the daily nation. Lol!
) Aforementioned non commitment sexual relationship ceased to exist 2hours
after the post went to print. I flew off the handle…again. Am horny.
