coming out with butt stuff...

closet things

So I put the FML in family recently when I invited the wolf over to my house with my family for Christmas. One week…it went fairly well, or so I thought. Few days after she left, I was in the living room with my mother, watching Oprah. Out of thin air came…  

 “So who is that girl to you? Honestly? She is not just your friend; you were very attentive and affectionate towards her all week…blah blah. My daughter does not like people…but there was something about her, you were different. Are you lesb…are you in a relationship with her? I do not want to investigate or judge your sex life; sexuality is different for everyone...blah blah… I’m asking as a mother. Are you dating her?”

My reply to ALL that *CRICKETS*

I am not ready to open that can of worms with my mother. She couldn’t even say “lesbian” without choking on the word. I do not think she is ready either. She is random, ridiculous and unpredictable and until I’m ready to have that conversation with her, wolf, whom she will never see again is my best friend…or any other woman I might take fancy to in the distant future. The closet is quite cosy…even though she can see me through the transparent glass sides.

“I once heard Oprah was in a relationship with another woman… (Trails off)”

Oh my Lord all those times we watched Ellen DeGeneres…Please don’t say Ellen!  I reach for the remote to change the channel only to land on Queen Latifah’s talk show. *mental cringe FML!  Meanwhile I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope she doesn’t tell my grandmother…or father.

PS: my mother is not the only person who thinks I am cold, distant and dislike people. My very close friends ask me if I am drunk when I go all mushy and rainbows on them. I think not…OMG you guys I AM ADORABLE! Air hugs!

Speaking of not judging, rim jobs!! Every time I bring up the controversial butt sex topic, my wolf says “Pause, I’m not that gay!” then I laugh and say “maybe we are not there yet”. Truth is…the day she says she’s open to it; I will probably freak the fuck out!  I do not think I’m that I am butt sex gay either…not to that degree. That’s a hard limit for me.

 HOW? Leave alone individuals in exclusive monogamous happily ever after s. How do people or better yet women, give rim jobs to casual lays and strangers…like men, for example? Man musk can get pretty potent…How do you get your delicate nose probing a man’s bum hole? All up in his warm, musty & hairy ass crack that probably smells like baked crotch and balls fart! With his nut suck hanging right there, probably grazing your chin as it swings back and forth. Moaning like the mitch he most definitely is! Where do you get the sheer will to put your tongue on strange man-arse? What if he loses control and lets rip a horrendous, eye smarting, blast of flatulence right up your mouth? My walls are crawling just from asking these questions. This is why I do not think you can influence any straight man to have gay sex…he wants to rim a guy he will, because he loves it!

I would be too self-aware, nervous and extremely uncomfortable to let someone sniff around back there. If it ever happens…I would have had an enema, waxed… whatever stray hair resides there and if anybody asks I was drugged and hog tied on the table…held at knife point.

I’m not here to judge or ruin it for the gay men, saysbians, bisexuals and basically all sexual liberals out there. If it tickles your fancy, bury your face in it! I hear it gets pretty addictive!

 

crack can be good...dont listen to me!