Sex…sexes… and MORE SEX!!!

Our generation-the Y generation- has been accused of a lot of failings in our culture but the inability to talk about sex isn’t one of them. (Caroline Mutoko is constantly bitching about the Y generation nosedive on radio). Sex.  It’s something we do, we do it a lot, and we do it well- at least, most people claim to. If you listen keenly though, most of our sexual talk is simply an attempt to avoid addressing real issues concerning sex. Gossip about what, or who we do, who we want to have our way with or who is bonking who are fine as far as they go but they are more licentious than liberating.  It is rare for people to open up about their true sexual feelings, needs or fantasies. Difficulty in expressing intimacy is endemic to being human although their manifestations may be influenced by gender, religion, race, ethnicity and class factors.

While talk about sex has become a salient and a seemingly vital part of our culture today, honest discussion about sex is as scarce as a good Kenyan love song (am sorry but it’s true, Kenyans are not smooth). We, including I, find it hard to talk about the more intimate aspects of our sexual lives; not how many times we get laid in a week ,but how we felt about it and what it meant to us. Masturbation, the most natural, common and private sexual act most of us engage in (some with astonishing regularity) is never discussed. I went out on a limb and asked a handful of people what was the one single thought in their minds while they pleasured themselves. Well, you can guess how fast most people clammed up on the subject. I had obviously ventured into dangerous territory. The results I got from those who chose to participate in my little pseudo-Synovate survey were, though interesting, more or likely the same.

Most of the guys thought about women. The women they were physically attracted to. Not how much they liked/loved their “awesome” personalities or bird nest weaves, but how it would feel to have their warmth wrapped around their oh-so- magnificent-helmeted warriors of love. (The Internet has very funny penis metaphors). Others answers I got were: nothing…blankness…oblivion…peace; How good it felt; to cum! ...cum!!...CUM!!! ; past experiences, mixed with vivid imagination (read BDSM); giant synthetic breasts; bubble booties; girl on girl action; being penetrated; a woman’s supplicating moan and anal sex. From these findings, I couldn’t figure out if these were true fantasies or if most were masking their genuine thoughts with worn out, commercialized erotic porn site fantasies.

A number of women refused to admit to ever pleasuring themselves in their whole lives. Hardly surprising in a culture where most sexual feelings are considered bad or taboo. Women are encouraged to be independent, successful, beautiful, but God forbid overtly sexual. Scriptures are non-sparing on other sexual situations and pervasions, in great detail no less, but when it comes to masturbation, they are interestingly silent on the issue. Nevertheless, religion and strict moral upbringing has contributed to women suppressing their sexuality and curiosity to well…flick the bean. It is considered “dirty” and “slutty” by few. Others are overwhelmed by the intensity of their own desires; they are scared they might get addicted to self love. They fail to realize that refusing to succumb to our sexual frustrations in that manner may only worsen the situation. We are sexual volcanoes and without occasional self assisted release we are likely to blow up or shut down completely, which is more often the case. Yet another group believes that once they achieve orgasm that way they are never going to be able to do so with their partners essentially demonstrating lack of faith in their lovers’ sexual ability. The remaining considers masturbation a substitute for sex and would rather save their excitement for their partners.

The ease in which we, the Y generation, talk about intercourse stems from a desire of self expression and an urge to be socially rebellious. We have learned to use our sexuality as a way to disrupt social and sexual status quo and to make our presence felt in the world. As a consequence, this has blurred the ability and importance of talking about a more personal private sexuality. An intimate personal language of passion and desire has been replaced by a dialogue filled with rhetoric and language of commercialized pornographic phrases combined with advertising slogans. Evocative but not provocative. We can chat about sex all day without ever revealing personal things about ourselves.

If we are to grow as a generation, we have to breach our inhibitions, anxieties and terrors and have open honest conversations about our actual thoughts, sexual fears and longings.