FIFTY SHADES OF SOMETHING…

I don’t have girlfriends…let me rephrase that. I don’t have a coven of b/witches to hide behind as I fling poop at the unsuspecting masses *chuckles*. At least that’s what I have observed to be the main purpose of girlfriends since high school.  Look at somebody the wrong way in the dining hall and as soon as night preps are concluded, a search party is sent to your room, complete with dogs and trench coats, as you camp out in another house/dorm. In the event these gossipy superficial mean spirited materialists don’t find you, they are likely to overturn your beddings as a message, or wait for the next entertainment session and throw a shoe at your head as soon as lights go off in the TV room. Okay I may have exaggerated a little. You do (have to) agree there is something about having cronies that make individuals seem invincible and develop balls the size of melons.  

The desire to tend and befriend is ingrained in most females; but I don’t have friends… I have individual friends, just not that kind of “crony-ship”. The kind that you seek advice from, provide love hugs and a heartfelt primary support in times of distress e.g. when Wolf and I broke up once again for the umpteenth time. For the first time ever I resented my precious autonomy. Suddenly the surround sound bitching, the over familiarity and toxic over-sharing didn’t look that exasperating.

If you still think I let slip my break up without making a melodramatic gabfest out of it, You-should-know-people *chuckles*. Wolf and I annulled the unceasing onslaught of dysfunction we called a relationship. Oh hold onto your knickers foxes, it was for a minute; still spoken for. I went through the five stages of loss and I will share.

Denial and isolation: it is a normal reaction to attempt to rationalize overwhelming emotions. I initially wanted to believe it was just a rough patch. We were good together. Nobody just throws away 2 years over a lovers tiff, right? Wrong.

Anger: masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and pain rears its ugly head. At this point, you want to curve a new fuck hole on a bitch’s torso and fist it! I refused to fully acknowledge this part of the process. My own anger terrifies me, so I tend to suppress it a lot of times. Wolf says I bottle up too much and just like a shaken can of soda, I will explode when I get the chance. I definitely don’t look forward to that.

Bargaining:  A need to regain control: The “if only I had” stage. If only I had given Wolf an outlet to vent frustrations with me. If only I hadn’t stayed home that fateful weekend. If only I was a demi-goddess…

Depression:  sadness and regret. I was a cluster of raw nerves, like a giant penis tip. Adverts on TV made me cry. I cried myself to the verge of dehydration a couple of times. Without Wolf, I felt like a brain damaged mule, lost in the desert, striking out alone for the first time. Every time I remembered all the Kodak moments we had, I curled up into a ball and screeched into my pillow.

Acceptance: withdrawal and calm set in. I involved myself in non-stimulating activities, which are only used in Manhattan to calm down drug addicts and the criminally insane (Robin Sherbatsky: HIMYM). I had no capacity for idle talk at this point. Although the masochist and the lover in me wanted Wolf back, I was not going to force, cajole, plead, beg, threaten or/and guilt trip her from here to Timbuktu. I started to let go…my resolve didn’t last, obviously. (I was having a serious case of vag-alzheimers too he he)

Relationships are like doorknobs. No instructions. You are just supposed to know what to do. Yet they always seem so complicated. Ours in particular is Fifty Shades of Grey like, Icarus flying too close to the sun (yes am reading the trilogy, thanks to Wolf and my friend Nelson for the PERFECT birthday gifts). All I know is we are nutbuggersMcloonytoons over each other. If we ever crash and burn, I will probably need years of therapy and electro-shock to get over it. My demon danced with Wolf’s devil and the fiddlers tune is far from over.

I still want friends…need that group of friends strictly from the LGBTI community. It is proving harder each day to be myself around straight folk. There is always a judgmental-hear-no-evil-see-no-evil-vibe they give off. In as much as Wolf is convinced we are not a “people couple” simply because every time I decide we should expand our non-existent social circle, we end up retreating into our own little world, close off and get engrossed in each other the whole time. Bid present company goodbye to “talk” more behind closed doors. I just have to muster the courage to step out of my comfort zone fast. Accepting applications drop your resumes!!! HAPPYNEW YEAR!!!