ALPHABET SOUP

ALPHABET SOUP is just another way for me to rant. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing!

BOOKS I enjoy reading, and not just those flowery 300 paged menopausal masturbatory aids, you know the ones with fair maidens and ripped shirtless men on black stallions on the cover. The only books I wouldn’t touch are self-help books and religious inspirational books. For the life of me, I have never gotten past the cover of Ben Carsons “Think big”. I am not perfect, I never will be, and I certainly do not need advice on how to “UN-myself” myself! I read somewhere that men are from Mars, women from Venus and self –help books from Uranus!  I still maintain the best gift I could ever get is a good book.

CHINESE KUNGFU FILMS are the absolute worst! How do I disable black belt TV on DSTV? Or at least put a code so that the men in my family can’t access it?

DANCING is, according to George Bernard Shaw” The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music” I subscribe to the school of thought that there is a strong correlation between dance and intercourse. So if you move and groove with the grim and embarrassed dedication of a dancing bear . . . that is all she wrote!

EGGS; these are the chameleon of food. There is nothing you cannot do with eggs! Poached, scrambled, omelets, boiled, baked, fried, coddled etc. Eggs are fun right up until those hideous zits with strong personalities pop up on your temple!

FAMILY GUY, South Park, Archer, Frisky dingo, Boondocks and any other I have failed to mentioned, are not for children. The amount of profanities and foul language from any of these adult “cartoons” could make German pornographers blush.

GREETINGS from strangers and acquaintances that morph into those kiss-hug-handshake hybrids are painfully awkward. It’s always less stressful to say hallo…from a safe distance.

HOUSE HELPS can be very weird. I wish we had one. I would have so much more material, better than this relentless pedantic chat!

I FUCKING QUIT PHASE. That is where I am at, school-wise and life-wise. I stole that phrase from my friend Lola’s   twitter feed. The vulgarities that tumble from that girl’s mouth are…titillating!  Find this sweetly depraved mamacita here http://soshesa.blogspot.com

JOB: i have never worked for pay, not even a blow job. (Okay bye)

KISSING; a good kiss validates the attraction between two people and confirms the existence of sexual chemistry. We live in a society where women are encouraged to pretend to enjoy things to protect fragile eggshell egos (they already fake orgasms, a terrible kiss is pushing it!). This pretext is the reason why men (especially) have no idea they are woefully lacking in that department, thus perfecting these atrocities. I’ll cut some slack if the said kissing is under the influence alcohol therefore a considerable amount of teeth knocking and face smashing is involved. If we are both sober and it feels like a dental procedure,  or a staring contest where somebody sticks their tongue into your mouth and leaves it sitting there… like a wet piece of towel *puke face. Then you end up looking ridiculous standing there, looking into each other’s eyes, with your tongues stuck in each other’s mouths.

if it feels like an attempt at re hydration via exchange of copious amounts of saliva, or a hobo licking an almost empty margarine tin, with considerable choking, or pecking like a bird…I am not going for seconds! A bad first kiss isn’t a deal breaker for me until there is a follow up bad second kiss. That said, there is a difference between an awkward kiss and a bad awkward kiss. How many times have you forgiven a bad awkward kiss and moved on to R-rated activities to find that your partner wows you in every other department? In my experience NEVER!! You are welcome to prove me wrong but until then please take your excessive saliva and drill like probing elsewhere!

LOVE & LIES go hand in hand. Once in a while we have to tell little white lies to protect our loved ones…”I don’t mind cabbages darling”, “dad I don’t drink”,”eish mummy, I would NEVER wear that to a club, so short!  without  jeans or tights?” and my all-time favorite “oh my days, a lesbian!!! (insert best home alone face here)”. Sincerity is a mirage in the desert. I lie to not only protect but to keep things …homeostasis. Not many people inclusive of me can handle the truth, this way everyone is happy!

MUSIC, will you marry me? I listen to a little bit of everything, except for that dub step noise. I believe dub step is the leading cause of Alzheimer’s and manic episodes of bi polar disorder!

NATURE; I mean camping, hiking, hunting and any masochistic recreational activity involving leaving the comfort of my home to live like a Neanderthal. I don’t like being all Zen with nature...everything is either trying to eat me or give me malaria. Even Neanderthals holed up in caves and teepee huts to GET AWAY FROM OUTSIDE, so why the hell would anyone willingly want to sleep on the hard ground and poo in bushes surrounded by carefully camouflaged creepy crawlies. If I wanted to feel outdoorsy and appreciate nature I will watch national geographic wild…INSIDE, with a hot mug of chocolate! One travelers natural paradise is another’s bug infested nightmare!

QUOTES! Who doesn’t like a good quote? “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and you want to eat two thousands of something” –Mitch Hedberg.                                                          “Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals-as large as those of donkeys and their seminal emissions were as strong as that of stallions”- Ezekiel 23:19. (LOL! And I am the pervert!)  “If you fear highhandedness from your wives, remind them, then ignore them when you go to bed, then beat them. If they obey you, you have no right to act against them. God is most high and great.” -Quran sura 4 verse 34. (No comment)

ROSES: I do not get the concept of roses (and flowers in general) as a gesture of romance. I have gotten roses before and been at a loss on what to do with them. You can’t eat them, its mortifying parading around town with a bouquet of flowers and it would be a douche move to stash them in a bin immediately after receiving them. How does ripping something beautiful from the ground and letting me watch it die slowly a gesture of affection? Chocolate please!

TRASH TV: The engorged whitehead on the otherwise flawless face of  media entertainment. I am talking tabloid talk shows, glorified game shows, reality TV shows featuring white trash Italians, rich bored housewives, psychotic  divas , toddlers in tiaras and those Armenian bimbos  aka Kardashians! Trash TV is one of my guilty pleasures…yes I am very ashamed. I just want to look at all those nice clothes and dream I owned as many pairs of shoes as Kimora Lee!

UNDERWEAR; The big question, “Boxers or briefs?” or commando as Kingwa Kamencu once suggested!

VIRGINITY: broken at 20…more on that on a later post!

WHEN did you know? “People always ask the gay girl when she knew she liked girls; no one asks the straight girl when she knew she liked boys. There is no AHA moment. You know from an early age that you are different, then you start having these intense friendships with other girls and you think it’s normal.” All girls feel passionately about their best friends’ right?” until your best friends starts dating a boy and you feel like your heart is going to explode.” I got this from Emily Owens M.D, and this is how I knew ,if you are curious.

X-RATED MOVIES are not for humans under the age of 18 let alone toddlers. I am talking to young mothers; please don’t mess up your children’s psychosexual development out of sheer ignorance.

YOUTUBE  “two girls-one cup”, at your own risk. There is a point where my eyes fell out and rolled away.

ZEBRA CROSSINGS in Nairobi, Kenya are like playing the Russian roulette, a lethal game of chance. Will I be run over this time round? I feel safer crossing the road and actively dodging oncoming traffic at a super highway rather than at a zebra crossing!

OPS are missing. I lost ‘it’…I got bored rather. *chuckles*