“Who gives this woman?”

We are in a perpetual state of transformation; a caterpillar changes into a butterfly thanks to a biological process known as metamorphosis. I am in the middle of a transformation of my own, thanks to a biological process known as being on a cruise-control relationship with the WOLF…(Now more like a domesticated white dire wolfthat prefers having her meal served to her…in a bowl…regularly… failure to which may lead to erotic asphyxiation). I might as well as be…married, Yes? Because getting hitched at 23 is like leaving the party at 9.30pm and that’s always fun! NOT.

“Who gives this woman?”

The ‘M’ word: marriage. Whilst it’s not for everyone, it’s ideal for the co-dependent, masochistic and criminally insane. Personally, the very thought unhinges me, something to do with being smothered in middle class conventions and perhaps something darker I can’t articulate. I wouldn’t even be having this soapbox moment if it weren’t for that damn Marriage Bill that has had men cradling their nut sacks in fear and women gleefully frothing at the loins for the past few days.

 “This Marriage Bill for excluding gay marriages, come we stay marriages, not allowing polyandry,for threatening to rule love with criminal sanctions of breach of marriage promise, this Marriage Bill is nonsense upon stilts.”-Eric Gitari, Human Rights Lawyer.

That bill has without a doubt also earned a standing ovation from my tallest finger.

True equality does not exist. Now that we all know that…What is better than marriage equality? Marriage freedom!  Government should not legislate relationships between anybody, period! Why should the government be concerned with what type of sex someone engages in or doesn’t?! A government that is not in charge of marriage, with exception of consanguinity (close blood relations), exploitation of minors, use of force and victimization and commercial trafficking of sexual favors. “Marriage” should not be a love license for adults but a structure for assigning and enforcing responsibility for the care of potential children produced/adopted to the extent of criminal prosecution and neglect. As a matter of fact, marriage is a religious term and therefore polarizes people. 

Awww, I love you so much right now!!!

A particular religion’s belief should not control secular law. The law should be changed to make every “marriage” a domestic partnership. This way, CONSENTING adults are not restricted from entering life-long commitments and religious individuals or organizations aren’t forced to acknowledge something they disagree with. Win-win..Yes? Those who choose to co-habit can formalize their arrangements through private contract process which the government can enforce but does not sanction. It’s not only about whose genitals are in whom. There are people who aren’t homosexual and have no family other than their“chosen” family. Shouldn’t they be allowed to form domestic partnerships that do not necessarily encompass sex?

Pipe dream huh? Kenya is not ready for separation of church and state. On the other hand, acceptance of the LGBTIQ community has risen from 5% to 8% …I think. That’s something.

Why would anybody want to get married anyway? 3 years down the line, you lie awake on the couch at 2AM cursing this icy, strident, self-important, castrating wasp you shackled your balls to as onion-sized mosquitoes wait for you to doze off…OR in “wedded bliss” with a beast, who according to the standards of his community, physical violence is forgivable in “men”: a natural response to having their virility stifled or thwarted, to the provocations of a shrewish wife.  “She pushed me over the edge, the bitch!!”

Every day, every month, every year should be a conscious decision, to stay with my domesticated dire wolf; my future stubby, whom I love. Not a legal binding suffocating agreement. Besides, what if she gets rabid and goes tots cray?? Lol!

“Who gives this woman?”

“I do.”

First things first though, I have to ditch the closet but…

 “You can’t call it coming out of the closet when the door was wide open, the closet was made of glass, and everyone could see you in there having gay sex.”

NB…PS..:A few years back in Saudi Arabia, a high ranking Islamic cleric issued a fatwa (Islamic legal decree) saying that female workers should breastfeed their male co-workers at least five times a day, to establish a family bond and preclude any sexual relations  and thus allow both sexes to be alone together at work. “A woman at work can take off the veil or reveal her hair in front of someone whom she breastfed.”*walks away*

ALPHABET SOUP

ALPHABET SOUP is just another way for me to rant. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing!

BOOKS I enjoy reading, and not just those flowery 300 paged menopausal masturbatory aids, you know the ones with fair maidens and ripped shirtless men on black stallions on the cover. The only books I wouldn’t touch are self-help books and religious inspirational books. For the life of me, I have never gotten past the cover of Ben Carsons “Think big”. I am not perfect, I never will be, and I certainly do not need advice on how to “UN-myself” myself! I read somewhere that men are from Mars, women from Venus and self –help books from Uranus!  I still maintain the best gift I could ever get is a good book.

CHINESE KUNGFU FILMS are the absolute worst! How do I disable black belt TV on DSTV? Or at least put a code so that the men in my family can’t access it?

DANCING is, according to George Bernard Shaw” The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music” I subscribe to the school of thought that there is a strong correlation between dance and intercourse. So if you move and groove with the grim and embarrassed dedication of a dancing bear . . . that is all she wrote!

EGGS; these are the chameleon of food. There is nothing you cannot do with eggs! Poached, scrambled, omelets, boiled, baked, fried, coddled etc. Eggs are fun right up until those hideous zits with strong personalities pop up on your temple!

FAMILY GUY, South Park, Archer, Frisky dingo, Boondocks and any other I have failed to mentioned, are not for children. The amount of profanities and foul language from any of these adult “cartoons” could make German pornographers blush.

GREETINGS from strangers and acquaintances that morph into those kiss-hug-handshake hybrids are painfully awkward. It’s always less stressful to say hallo…from a safe distance.

HOUSE HELPS can be very weird. I wish we had one. I would have so much more material, better than this relentless pedantic chat!

I FUCKING QUIT PHASE. That is where I am at, school-wise and life-wise. I stole that phrase from my friend Lola’s   twitter feed. The vulgarities that tumble from that girl’s mouth are…titillating!  Find this sweetly depraved mamacita here http://soshesa.blogspot.com

JOB: i have never worked for pay, not even a blow job. (Okay bye)

KISSING; a good kiss validates the attraction between two people and confirms the existence of sexual chemistry. We live in a society where women are encouraged to pretend to enjoy things to protect fragile eggshell egos (they already fake orgasms, a terrible kiss is pushing it!). This pretext is the reason why men (especially) have no idea they are woefully lacking in that department, thus perfecting these atrocities. I’ll cut some slack if the said kissing is under the influence alcohol therefore a considerable amount of teeth knocking and face smashing is involved. If we are both sober and it feels like a dental procedure,  or a staring contest where somebody sticks their tongue into your mouth and leaves it sitting there… like a wet piece of towel *puke face. Then you end up looking ridiculous standing there, looking into each other’s eyes, with your tongues stuck in each other’s mouths.

if it feels like an attempt at re hydration via exchange of copious amounts of saliva, or a hobo licking an almost empty margarine tin, with considerable choking, or pecking like a bird…I am not going for seconds! A bad first kiss isn’t a deal breaker for me until there is a follow up bad second kiss. That said, there is a difference between an awkward kiss and a bad awkward kiss. How many times have you forgiven a bad awkward kiss and moved on to R-rated activities to find that your partner wows you in every other department? In my experience NEVER!! You are welcome to prove me wrong but until then please take your excessive saliva and drill like probing elsewhere!

LOVE & LIES go hand in hand. Once in a while we have to tell little white lies to protect our loved ones…”I don’t mind cabbages darling”, “dad I don’t drink”,”eish mummy, I would NEVER wear that to a club, so short!  without  jeans or tights?” and my all-time favorite “oh my days, a lesbian!!! (insert best home alone face here)”. Sincerity is a mirage in the desert. I lie to not only protect but to keep things …homeostasis. Not many people inclusive of me can handle the truth, this way everyone is happy!

MUSIC, will you marry me? I listen to a little bit of everything, except for that dub step noise. I believe dub step is the leading cause of Alzheimer’s and manic episodes of bi polar disorder!

NATURE; I mean camping, hiking, hunting and any masochistic recreational activity involving leaving the comfort of my home to live like a Neanderthal. I don’t like being all Zen with nature...everything is either trying to eat me or give me malaria. Even Neanderthals holed up in caves and teepee huts to GET AWAY FROM OUTSIDE, so why the hell would anyone willingly want to sleep on the hard ground and poo in bushes surrounded by carefully camouflaged creepy crawlies. If I wanted to feel outdoorsy and appreciate nature I will watch national geographic wild…INSIDE, with a hot mug of chocolate! One travelers natural paradise is another’s bug infested nightmare!

QUOTES! Who doesn’t like a good quote? “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and you want to eat two thousands of something” –Mitch Hedberg.                                                          “Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals-as large as those of donkeys and their seminal emissions were as strong as that of stallions”- Ezekiel 23:19. (LOL! And I am the pervert!)  “If you fear highhandedness from your wives, remind them, then ignore them when you go to bed, then beat them. If they obey you, you have no right to act against them. God is most high and great.” -Quran sura 4 verse 34. (No comment)

ROSES: I do not get the concept of roses (and flowers in general) as a gesture of romance. I have gotten roses before and been at a loss on what to do with them. You can’t eat them, its mortifying parading around town with a bouquet of flowers and it would be a douche move to stash them in a bin immediately after receiving them. How does ripping something beautiful from the ground and letting me watch it die slowly a gesture of affection? Chocolate please!

TRASH TV: The engorged whitehead on the otherwise flawless face of  media entertainment. I am talking tabloid talk shows, glorified game shows, reality TV shows featuring white trash Italians, rich bored housewives, psychotic  divas , toddlers in tiaras and those Armenian bimbos  aka Kardashians! Trash TV is one of my guilty pleasures…yes I am very ashamed. I just want to look at all those nice clothes and dream I owned as many pairs of shoes as Kimora Lee!

UNDERWEAR; The big question, “Boxers or briefs?” or commando as Kingwa Kamencu once suggested!

VIRGINITY: broken at 20…more on that on a later post!

WHEN did you know? “People always ask the gay girl when she knew she liked girls; no one asks the straight girl when she knew she liked boys. There is no AHA moment. You know from an early age that you are different, then you start having these intense friendships with other girls and you think it’s normal.” All girls feel passionately about their best friends’ right?” until your best friends starts dating a boy and you feel like your heart is going to explode.” I got this from Emily Owens M.D, and this is how I knew ,if you are curious.

X-RATED MOVIES are not for humans under the age of 18 let alone toddlers. I am talking to young mothers; please don’t mess up your children’s psychosexual development out of sheer ignorance.

YOUTUBE  “two girls-one cup”, at your own risk. There is a point where my eyes fell out and rolled away.

ZEBRA CROSSINGS in Nairobi, Kenya are like playing the Russian roulette, a lethal game of chance. Will I be run over this time round? I feel safer crossing the road and actively dodging oncoming traffic at a super highway rather than at a zebra crossing!

OPS are missing. I lost ‘it’…I got bored rather. *chuckles*

Happily single…it sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?

Hollywood is experiencing a major baby boom! From A-list actors to super models and ordinary post pubescent Kenyans. The earth thanks you Beyoncé and Mr. Knowles for setting that trend. Have we made planet Mars habitable yet? Am almost certain overpopulation is going to surpass global warming as a threat to humanity; at this rate we do not only need to reduce our carbon footprints, we need fewer feet.

or baby Ivy Blue

On a relatable note, what is with this “baby” burst among my peers? It seems like everywhere I look; there is a baby bump or baby profile pictures and who the hell is baby-crazy in their early 20’s?! I would be crying into my soup if I was 30yr with 2 or 3 cats but my biological clock is that far from going off. I love babies; they are simply the most adorable creatures in the universe, with their gummy grins and tiny feet. I am guessing all this is designed to make you forget that these crotch-fruits are incessant pits of need! Giant parasites that use up all your resources (if you even have anything at 20something), and do nothing in return but scream for absolutely no reason at! Why my age mates are having babies? Either condoms are defective (hello Catholics!) or those emergency birth control pills that are being popped like tic-tacs every other weekend have ceased to work because I am almost certain you are not all dumb enough to have unprotected sex in these times.

Okay, does this high horse I rode in on make my bum look fat? *chuckles* I reckon wolf and I would have our own brood of finger babies by now if it was possible…you know, homosexuality being the most effective contraceptive and all. (Take that, unplanned pregnancy!).

WHHHYYYY???!!!

I am happily single. No one believes me. I have always been that creature too prone to passionate excess to thrive within the conjugal yoke (except with my wolf); being unattached better suits my character and disposition. At the moment, I am much more “contained”, it helps that wolf and I agree that good sex shouldn’t go to waste just because of a break up. Distance and deprivation has also fuelled our longing for each other.  Every time my phone beeps my heart does a front flip into my mouth…all that extra weight sitting on my parched tongue … Those random weekends of payback shag are a godsend! Payback in the sense of vengeance as well as reward; infused into these passions are tones of both gratitude and retribution.

sshhhh!

It’s fantastic! Thinking about it makes me want to light a cigarette! Damn! I do get why they say you are not supposed to marry the best sex of your life, it simply shows you are pushing each other’s dysfunctional buttons.  There is also this sense of safety that we have developed, a safety so deep it means we can say anything without calculating what we both stand to lose. It sure feels that way on my end. No more biting my nails over a foreboding brain to mouth filter malfunction.

Dates: I hate first dates. Always have. The anxiety, awkwardness and the tedious small talk! Oh first dates are insufferable! Plus I do not think who I am fits in with first dates! I am comfortable putting it all out there, no holds barred. When I feel something, I want to explore it, without boundaries or squinty judgmental eyes. Also not a fun of dressing up and using a knife and fork, (makes eating so impersonal); I would rather be stuffing my face with a humongous juicy burger dripping with condiments and shrieking delightfully   any day! The absolute poster child of what not to do or say on first dates!

"are you from around?

In the past I have gone on horrible first dates and proceeded to enter relationships with people who were glaringly balls to the walls crazy, most times, in a desperate attempt to fill up that hole *wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge!* she leaves every time she goes. Ever known one of those people who talk and talk…and talk, and the more they talk, the less relevant you become. Their interest in you becomes completely obliterated. They heave forth these thoughts of theirs in a way that totally discounts your existence and you grow bored irritated and, in a curious way, resentful (because you are a closeted attention whore). Or attempted to have a conversation with someone who is the verbal equivalent of huffing paint! Frustrating!  I have only been on one of those since the breakup, for reasons other than “hole-filling”. Wolf admitted a tinge of jealousy, which made me want to punch her in the mouth…with my own mouth…softly…yes I like her…yes STILL. I did stomp on that budding sapiosexual attraction with my abandonment issues boots, for reasons I would rather not discuss, but do not include allowing another woman who clearly has harbored an eternal crush on ‘her’ to tag along on the first date. Awkward cannot begin to describe that. I still ended up soothing and reassuring my date at the end of the day that I liked her better. (You see it too dontcha?)

  It’s not all guns and roses though…I hope I used that phrase right. I miss my best friend; I miss my soul mate…moon of my moon. It breaks my heart every day that no matter what I do, I can never make it up to wolf. I will never deserve that level of love and dedication, not in this life time at least. It’s just me, warts and all.

I am happily single…maybe.  I am neither searching nor am I in a hurry to be found. I am right where I need to be. Believe me.

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

DISCLAIMER: (like this is the daily nation. Lol! ) Aforementioned non commitment sexual relationship ceased to exist 2hours after the post went to print. I flew off the handle…again. Am horny.

Alone? Lonely? Liberated?

It’s been a minute… I had writers’ block as thick as thoughts could make ‘em. Then, we had elections marred by tribalism, nepotism, corruption and everything you would expect of an election in a third world country. Alas! No post-election violence; it is surprising considering the negative tribal undertones on social media whereby I learned the presence of  foreskin or lack thereof on a penis does not contribute to the emotional maturity or mental growth of a man. Hey! I’m just saying.

I’m single. Again. For the umpteenth time. (Cue sympathetic oohs). *chuckles*. Truly on my way to becoming the Picasso of loneliness and broken souls. We had already established in previous posts that I am a flight risk when it comes to relationships. I guess I saw this one coming this time which would explain why I am not so torn up about it; wishing Wolf would get her next period in a shark tank!

I am mostly to blame too. I wouldn’t give her the one thing a Wolf needs…a Wolf whose emotional walls can be seen from space!…I wouldn’t listen…without overreacting; ESPECIALLY when I was somewhat involved.

My Pandora’s box of emotional baggage and psychological damage was also pried open a little.  I will take you through what I have and might possibly still have stashed in there.

Abandonment issues:  just to be clear, I am not a dumpster baby *chuckles*. This does explains why I am always the one to leave (before I am left). I never give my partners a chance to know me because of that crippling fear once they know the real me, they will leave. Why I love the chase, that titillating pre-relationship state but once it goes to the next stage I withdraw emotionally. (Never happened with Wolf). The perfectionist in me…I know it’s not so obvious but I crave perfection and when I fail my soul dies a little. Wolf can attest to that. The need to perfect at blogging, dressing, listening, studies, body type etc. which is probably why I got so wrapped up in my head at the end. I couldn’t take one more complaint, criticism or any funny random comment that could be construed as “YOU SUCK RED!!”

Daddy issues: don’t even say it!  Characterized by; Aggressive flirtation, exhibitionism tendencies, promiscuity and a bunch of emotional hang-ups. I like my daddy issues! I am a fantastic lay because I tap into these issues! Though full disclosure- I do not let strangers feel me up or flash my crotch at school children. (It happens). That’s all am saying.

Self-esteem issues; Well, I can explain that. I was an ugly duckling growing up all the way through high school then I blossomed into this beautiful, smart swan just learning to love and accept herself and you know what they say about old habits so back off my balls!

There were many other smaller seemingly insignificant issues that I care not to go into but generally pointed at the fact that I am not a very good emotional tampon and to quote Wolf “I should date a stone.” My suffocating brand of love was threatening to suck the life out of her. So Wolf left me, at the cupid bus station, twiddling my thumbs. Pity party of one: open bar *chuckles* .

This post was inspired by Whitney, the sitcom produced by Whitney Cummings. She has 7 butt loads baggage, she doesn’t try to cover up the crazymcloonytoons, she laughs at her pain and occasionally she tries to be a better woman for her man (Alex) . He does encourage her and appreciates every effort she makes. It must be hard to try change part of yourself. She almost always makes him stark raving mad too but he’s never given up on her. It is adorable but no man like that exists I know. On that subject, I came across this quote: “There is nothing more rewarding in this world than…someone seeing all of you and accepting it as it is. “I’ll take the one with the beautiful dents that likes to cry at commercials. I see potential in this one.” You take me and I take you. Sold!”

I thought if I subjected this blog to soliloquies on my gripe du jour (fancy eh?) I would essentially be laughing at my pain…you would laugh with me and maybe with time I would get over my issues and be this all rounded individual who brings comfort and joy to her loved ones instead of some drug addicted narcissistic black hole of need I am in danger of becoming. To be someone Wolf would have loved unconditionally. Yes I miss Wolf, and it’s sad that I lost my Wolf this time indefinitely.

Date a girl who reads by Rosemarie Urquico

“You should date a girl who reads

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends
her money on books instead of clothes. She has
problems with closet space because she has too
many books. Date a girl who has a list of books
she wants to read, who has had a library card
since she was twelve.

 
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does
because she will always have an unread book in
her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the
shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly
cries out when she finds the book she wants.
You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an
old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the
reader. They can never resist smelling the
pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that
coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek
at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating
on top because she’s kind of engrossed already.
Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit
down. She might give you a glare, as most girls
who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her
if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of
Murakami. See if she got through the first
chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she
says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s
just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if
she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her

books for her birthday, for Christmas and for
anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in
poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound,
Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you
understand that words are love. Understand
that she knows the difference between books
and reality but by god, she’s going to try to
make her life a little like her favorite book. It
will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will
understand your need to lie. Behind words are
other things: motivation, value, nuance,
dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that
failure always leads up to the climax. Because
girls who read understand that all things will come
to end, but you can always write a sequel. That
you can begin again and again and still be the
hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are
not? Girls who read understand that people,
like characters, develop. Except in
the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close.
When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book
to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of
tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple
of hours but she will always come back to you.
She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are
real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during
a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s
sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why
your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over
your chest yet. You will write the story of your
lives, have kids with strange names and even
stranger tastes. She will introduce your
children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe
in the same day. You will walk the winters of
your old age together and she will recite Keats
under her breath while you shake the snow off
your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it.

You deserve a girl who can give you the most
colorful life imaginable. If you can only give
her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked
proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you
want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a
girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.