ALPHABET SOUP is just another way for me to rant. I
hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing!
BOOKS I enjoy
reading, and not just those flowery 300 paged menopausal masturbatory aids, you
know the ones with fair maidens and ripped shirtless men on black stallions on
the cover. The only books I wouldn’t touch are self-help books and religious
inspirational books. For the life of me, I have never gotten past the cover of
Ben Carsons “Think big”. I am not perfect, I never will be, and I certainly do
not need advice on how to “UN-myself” myself! I read somewhere that men are
from Mars, women from Venus and self –help books from Uranus! I still maintain the best gift I could ever
get is a good book.
CHINESE KUNGFU FILMS are the absolute worst! How do I
disable black belt TV on DSTV? Or at least put a code so that the men in my
family can’t access it?
DANCING is, according to George Bernard Shaw”
The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music” I subscribe
to the school of thought that there is a strong correlation between dance and
intercourse. So if you move and groove with the grim and embarrassed dedication
of a dancing bear . . . that is all she wrote!
EGGS; these are the chameleon of food. There
is nothing you cannot do with eggs! Poached, scrambled, omelets, boiled, baked,
fried, coddled etc. Eggs are fun right up until those hideous zits with strong
personalities pop up on your temple!
FAMILY GUY, South Park, Archer, Frisky dingo,
Boondocks and any other I have failed to mentioned, are not for children. The
amount of profanities and foul language from any of these adult “cartoons”
could make German pornographers blush.
GREETINGS from strangers and acquaintances that
morph into those kiss-hug-handshake hybrids are painfully awkward. It’s always
less stressful to say hallo…from a safe distance.
HOUSE HELPS can be very weird. I wish we had one.
I would have so much more material, better than this relentless pedantic chat!
I FUCKING QUIT PHASE. That is where I am at, school-wise and
life-wise. I stole that phrase from
my friend Lola’s twitter feed. The vulgarities
that tumble from that girl’s mouth are…titillating! Find this sweetly depraved mamacita here http://soshesa.blogspot.com
JOB: i have never worked for pay, not even
a blow job. (Okay bye)
KISSING; a good kiss
validates the attraction between two people and confirms the existence of
sexual chemistry. We live in a society where women are encouraged to pretend to
enjoy things to protect fragile
eggshell egos (they already fake orgasms, a terrible kiss is pushing it!). This
pretext is the reason why men (especially) have no idea they are woefully
lacking in that department, thus perfecting these atrocities. I’ll cut some
slack if the said kissing is under the influence alcohol therefore a
considerable amount of teeth knocking and face smashing is involved. If we are
both sober and it feels like a dental procedure, or a staring contest where somebody sticks
their tongue into your mouth and leaves it sitting there… like a wet piece of
towel *puke face. Then you end up looking ridiculous standing there, looking
into each other’s eyes, with your tongues stuck in each other’s mouths.
LOVE & LIES go hand in hand. Once in a while we
have to tell little white lies to protect our loved ones…”I don’t mind cabbages
darling”, “dad I don’t drink”,”eish mummy, I would NEVER wear that to a club,
so short! without jeans or tights?” and my all-time favorite
“oh my days, a lesbian!!! (insert best home alone face here)”. Sincerity is a
mirage in the desert. I lie to not only protect but to keep things
…homeostasis. Not many people inclusive of me can handle the truth, this way everyone
is happy!
MUSIC, will you marry me? I listen to a
little bit of everything, except for that dub step noise. I believe dub step is
the leading cause of Alzheimer’s and manic episodes of bi polar disorder!
NATURE; I mean camping,
hiking, hunting and any masochistic recreational activity involving leaving the
comfort of my home to live like a Neanderthal. I don’t like being all Zen with
nature...everything is either trying to eat me or give me malaria. Even
Neanderthals holed up in caves and teepee huts to GET AWAY FROM OUTSIDE, so why
the hell would anyone willingly want to sleep on the hard ground and poo in
bushes surrounded by carefully camouflaged creepy crawlies. If I wanted to feel
outdoorsy and appreciate nature I will watch national geographic wild…INSIDE,
with a hot mug of chocolate! One travelers natural paradise is another’s bug
infested nightmare!
QUOTES! Who doesn’t like a good quote? “Rice
is great if you’re really hungry and you want to eat two thousands of
something” –Mitch Hedberg. “Yet
she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she
engaged in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals-as large as those
of donkeys and their seminal emissions were as strong as that of stallions”-
Ezekiel 23:19. (LOL! And I am the pervert!)
“If you fear highhandedness from your wives, remind them, then ignore
them when you go to bed, then beat them. If they obey you, you have no right to
act against them. God is most high and great.” -Quran sura 4 verse 34. (No
comment)
ROSES: I do not get the concept of roses (and
flowers in general) as a gesture of romance. I have gotten roses before and
been at a loss on what to do with them. You can’t eat them, its mortifying
parading around town with a bouquet of flowers and it would be a douche move to
stash them in a bin immediately after receiving them. How does ripping
something beautiful from the ground and letting me watch it die slowly a
gesture of affection? Chocolate please!
TRASH TV: The engorged whitehead on the
otherwise flawless face of media
entertainment. I am talking tabloid talk shows, glorified game shows, reality TV
shows featuring white trash Italians, rich bored housewives, psychotic divas , toddlers in tiaras and those Armenian
bimbos aka Kardashians! Trash TV is one
of my guilty pleasures…yes I am very ashamed. I just want to look at all those
nice clothes and dream I owned as many pairs of shoes as Kimora Lee!
UNDERWEAR; The big question, “Boxers or briefs?”
or commando as Kingwa Kamencu once suggested!
VIRGINITY: broken at 20…more on that on a later
post!
WHEN did you know? “People always ask the
gay girl when she knew she liked girls; no one asks the straight girl when she
knew she liked boys. There is no AHA moment. You know from an early age that
you are different, then you start having these intense friendships with other
girls and you think it’s normal.” All girls feel passionately about their best friends’
right?” until your best friends starts dating a boy and you feel like your
heart is going to explode.” I got this from Emily Owens M.D, and this is how I
knew ,if you are curious.
X-RATED MOVIES are not for humans under the age of
18 let alone toddlers. I am talking to young mothers; please don’t mess up your
children’s psychosexual development out of sheer ignorance.
YOUTUBE “two girls-one cup”, at your own risk. There is a point where
my eyes fell out and rolled away.
ZEBRA CROSSINGS in Nairobi, Kenya are like playing
the Russian roulette, a lethal game of chance. Will I be run over this time
round? I feel safer crossing the road and actively dodging oncoming traffic at
a super highway rather than at a zebra crossing!
OPS are missing. I lost ‘it’…I got
bored rather. *chuckles*
