Mermaids,Merginas and I'm all over the place...

December is here! Well almost; almost does count in this case. The month where visitors, mostly relatives, will descend upon your house holds to chew with their mouths open and dispense unsolicited advice. This is when your vindictive loathsome she beast of an aunt will goad you about your fertile child bearing hips and your racing biological clock. Then every married woman within 100 meter radius will chime in and who’s ever prepared for this estrogen lynch mob? Not a good time for us Sapphic sisters; it’s more of an out of the frying pan into the volcano situation. You made your bed and now you gotta bang whatever crawls into it.

 Have you started your search for an impotent man boy to parade as your beard for the holidays? That is family though; black holes where you throw in your happiness love worry and concern and there is no guarantee you’ll get anything back! My plans for December you ask? Of course, continuing my quest of dying alone among other things. We shall cross that bridge when we get there!

 I have often wondered if mermaids have merginas too, I do not know. The title was a ploy to get you here. See how much this writer’s block thing has messed me up? I’m resorting to cheap tricks to get you to skim through my material. My liver has also taken a pretty hard hit. I bet I can now drink you under the table on top of the table, somewhere close to the table and get kicked out of the establishment housing that table. I have had practice, drinking alone in my room. I’m not proud of that. Whatever.

“Fifty shades of grey” the movie has been cast! I am happy as long as twilight’s what’s her face doesn’t play Anastasia Steele. I cannot wait to see this movie along with millions of women around the world. Sex and debasement; there is something to talk about on your third date. Show me a woman who has never had an orgasm and I’ll show you one who has never been degraded in bed. Oh scoff all you want feminist. Your present hostility is a barely concealed form of foreplay. Oh you know you want it you horny insatiable little slut, I’m only happy to oblige!

Well that escalated fast…and what is wrong with me?

Romance: sigh…let’s just say I’m going with the flow. Taking things slow. By slow I mean a leisurely pace and not developmentally challenged. Though I could be somewhat challenged, if you talk to the right people. Sometimes when I think about love in all its glory and gore there is a white hot sun of misery in my chest. Because what. The. Fuck. Other times it’s the gushy gooey warmth that comes with it which I suppose makes it worth it. Take all the best moments and hold them to your heart for when you need them. I seem to have grounded myself in a pit of hormonal emotions and wish fulfillment of late. 

Which reminds me, it’s been awhile since I went clubbing; nothing gets me out of a funk like gyrating in one those STD mosh pits we call dance floors till four in the morning! Anything to get me out of my hoodies and shorts that does not involve a wedding without booze.

I pose the question, how comes when most ladies wear giant hoodies and messy hair in a loose bun they come off laid back and fantastic while I look like I have tried every drug Nairobi has to offer? It’s not fair. I do have one thing going for me though, I can now touch my ears with my knees…yes, and I’ll just let that visual sink in. happy December folks!

Straight folk and Awkward personal questions

This is not my intellectual property. All credits go to this Canadian lgbti site I came across last night. http://idigyourgirlfriend.com , post by Dee. I wish I had thought of all this first…had me chuckling and nodding in agreement the whole time. I am sure you are all going to enjoy this.

Creative answers to THAT age old question.

We’ve all heard it. We’ve been standing nonchalantly in the corner of a party, or pouring coffee in the break room, or sitting next to an obnoxious frat boy at a crowded pub, and after introducing ourselves and our significant other, or even better, after the person has figured it out themselves, they ask, “So how DO lesbians have sex, anyways? Like, isn’t it just technically fooling around?“

I know. Every cell in your body is telling you to grab them a little too firmly by the shoulders, look deep into the vacant depths of their eyes, and whisper “GOOGLE IT“.

But, alas, we usually just fumble out something mildly sarcastic and hope the conversation quickly diverts to another topic.

So, since the straight population seems to find it perfectly acceptable to go around asking highly awkward personal questions, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide you with some equally awkward, much more entertaining responses.

Feel free to use these at any point!

1. “We don’t.”

This one is best executed when combined with a completely stone cold facial expression and locked eye contact. Trust me; their facial expression will quickly resemble that of a 2 year old who’s just had his nose “stolen”.

2. “The TMI”

With this response, they key is to just immediately jump into the most detailed, personal, gritty details of girl-on-girl intercourse. You don’t have to use actual details from your sex life, feel free to exaggerate and falsify whatever you’d like in this situation. Oh, and ten points for every time you use the words “fluids” or “excretions”.

3. “The Samuel L. Jackson”

“I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THESE MAWFAWKIN HETEROS ON THIS MAWFAWKIN SUBJECT.” Be loud, be vulgar, be convincing. I guarantee you, it’ll be the last time they ever ask anyone about girl on girl anything.

4. “The Open Invitation”

Find the nearest, highest object you can stand on, and announce to everyone within a 2 kilometre radius that *insert name here* doesn’t understand how women have sex with one another, and that the floor is now open to the general public for tips, pointers, and educational demonstrations.

5. “The Interpretive Dance Explanation”

Okay, so, you’ve really got to commit to this one. But if you don’t mind making a mild fool out of yourself, this can be epic proportions of hilarious.

6. “The Burn”

“It’s kind of complicated. If you want, I could take your girlfriend home with me tonight and give her a private lesson and then she can relay the information back to you.”

7. “The Parent Talk”

“You see, *insert name here*, when two ladies really love each other, they show each other by kissing, touching, and being sexually intimate. Do you know what sexually intimate means, sweetie?” Use the most annoying, high-pitched, coochy-cooing Mom voice you can muster, and if you’re feeling extra condescending, pinch one of their cheeks.

8. “The Limit”

“Nope. Not today. Not today! This is NOT happening to me TODAY! You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve reached my wits end! MY WITS END!!!”... Your social circle may question your mental stability for a couple days, but in the long run, it’ll be worth it 9 times out of 10.

9. “The Hippy”

“Dude. Duuuuuude. I don’t know, bro. How DO they do it?! Like, when you think about it man, like, its just like, intense, you know? Like, when you REALLY stop to think about it. Are you thinking about it? I’m thinking about it man. I’m tooootallyyyy thinking about it.”

10. “The Feminist”

Yup. I went there. Give him the full on lecture about social constructs and the moral implications of asking such a personal, crude and immature question. Provide them with a FULL list of educational resources that can best explain the process, if they are truly curious. Then proceed to explain to them how every relationship is unique, therefore the methods each couple uses to stimulate one another are unique to them, and that there is no “one way”.

They’ll apologize or return from whence they came before you finish. Every. damn. time.

WARNING: THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A TOXIC HAZARD!!!

“My milkshake brings all the emotionally dysfunctional narcissistic junkies with mummy issues to the yard…” (Chuckles) That is actually very funny. Gallows humor is my forte…it’s actually how I deal with sad pathetic issues in my life. I cry, drink, laugh, dance, and maybe visit the planet of sexual delinquency then get on with my life. 

All relationships are trial and error from the start…mostly error. The only templates we have are women advice columns and our parents (rolls eyes).  We have been raised to objectify each other and do the same for the relationships we are in. unhealthy relationships are baked into us as we grow up…and they could get toxic overtime.

  Oh so before your relationship turns you into Ms. NAGatha Christine, the secretary of NAGriculture, here are some few…precious time & life saving tips to help you know if you need to crawl out of that pain cave masquerading as a love nest or fix it.

1.  When your dressing is bland. I know, it is the small things. Young vivacious women love to get gussied up. It’s the positive affirmation we receive from people around us that fuel all that energy and excitement that goes into spending hours before the mirror. Negativity does not make you feel sexy!

2.  Losing weight. Yes, living constantly on edge can override feelings of hunger. This can also result in episodes of insomnia because your mind is not at peace.

3.  Having so much sex because it’s the only way you feel connected. Sex is a distraction; it creates illusions of intimacy and normalcy.

           

4.  When you do not feel like yourself and you are constantly adjusting yourself to please your partner or you’re scared of retaliation. Living stifled in self-judgment and tension and denying what is natural to you.

5.  Feeling like you cannot do anything right. Your partner takes any opportunity to put you down and renders well calculated blows to your personality. Every day is a struggle and it seems like they are always raising gripes about you. The only time you feel pardoned is when you are agreeable or adopt the traits the person find…pleasing.

6.  Chronic dependency. Cute at first then suddenly you feel anxious about taking some time off to be with family or friends. Scared things will not be the same when you get back. Not secure enough to put your phone down and potentially miss a few calls and texts without risking an industrial size tantrum.

7.  Keeping score of past mistakes and constantly dredging up this bitterness and guilt from the past to justify current righteousness.

8.  When your partner holds you responsible for all their emotions and it is expected your life revolves around their emotional well-being and vice versa. It’s a subtle form of selfishness. The OCCASIONAL lash out and irritability after a shitty day at work is allowed but every damn day…You will grow resentful bitter and manipulative towards each other’s desires.

9.  Relationship hostage. Threating the commitment of the whole relationship when there is a minor hiccup in the flow. Always threatening to leave when you have a tiff.

10.              Passive aggressions; instead of stating clearly why they are upset, your partner finds ways to try make you figure it out for yourself. Nudging you in the right direction with mean hurtful comments.

11.              When they feel superior to you and they act like they are parenting you. Reprimanding and scolding you in private and even in front of friends.  Intimidating you with looks, gestures and actions like smashing things. Their irritability and rage happen unexpectedly and sometimes they won’t tell you why. Defining the relationship roles and being all rigid about them, Making light of thin veiled insults and attacks on you, by making you feel like you’re being overly sensitive and immature when you voice concerns about it. Using hurtful words to communicate their own hurt and frustration.

12.              When you feel like you need a translator to communicate with each other

Do not let the effects of misery settle into depression. Let go. Even when you feel a sob rolling up, certain she is one orgasm away from what she thinks is true love, but is really just some crazy case of lust transformed by a crisis situation. Let it go. Love has many languages and pain is not one of them.

Maybe next time I should write on how to fix what’s broken…but no…too exhausting hehehe

Self-portraits and serial monogamists

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