Alone? Lonely? Liberated?

It’s been a minute… I had writers’ block as thick as thoughts could make ‘em. Then, we had elections marred by tribalism, nepotism, corruption and everything you would expect of an election in a third world country. Alas! No post-election violence; it is surprising considering the negative tribal undertones on social media whereby I learned the presence of  foreskin or lack thereof on a penis does not contribute to the emotional maturity or mental growth of a man. Hey! I’m just saying.

I’m single. Again. For the umpteenth time. (Cue sympathetic oohs). *chuckles*. Truly on my way to becoming the Picasso of loneliness and broken souls. We had already established in previous posts that I am a flight risk when it comes to relationships. I guess I saw this one coming this time which would explain why I am not so torn up about it; wishing Wolf would get her next period in a shark tank!

I am mostly to blame too. I wouldn’t give her the one thing a Wolf needs…a Wolf whose emotional walls can be seen from space!…I wouldn’t listen…without overreacting; ESPECIALLY when I was somewhat involved.

My Pandora’s box of emotional baggage and psychological damage was also pried open a little.  I will take you through what I have and might possibly still have stashed in there.

Abandonment issues:  just to be clear, I am not a dumpster baby *chuckles*. This does explains why I am always the one to leave (before I am left). I never give my partners a chance to know me because of that crippling fear once they know the real me, they will leave. Why I love the chase, that titillating pre-relationship state but once it goes to the next stage I withdraw emotionally. (Never happened with Wolf). The perfectionist in me…I know it’s not so obvious but I crave perfection and when I fail my soul dies a little. Wolf can attest to that. The need to perfect at blogging, dressing, listening, studies, body type etc. which is probably why I got so wrapped up in my head at the end. I couldn’t take one more complaint, criticism or any funny random comment that could be construed as “YOU SUCK RED!!”

Daddy issues: don’t even say it!  Characterized by; Aggressive flirtation, exhibitionism tendencies, promiscuity and a bunch of emotional hang-ups. I like my daddy issues! I am a fantastic lay because I tap into these issues! Though full disclosure- I do not let strangers feel me up or flash my crotch at school children. (It happens). That’s all am saying.

Self-esteem issues; Well, I can explain that. I was an ugly duckling growing up all the way through high school then I blossomed into this beautiful, smart swan just learning to love and accept herself and you know what they say about old habits so back off my balls!

There were many other smaller seemingly insignificant issues that I care not to go into but generally pointed at the fact that I am not a very good emotional tampon and to quote Wolf “I should date a stone.” My suffocating brand of love was threatening to suck the life out of her. So Wolf left me, at the cupid bus station, twiddling my thumbs. Pity party of one: open bar *chuckles* .

This post was inspired by Whitney, the sitcom produced by Whitney Cummings. She has 7 butt loads baggage, she doesn’t try to cover up the crazymcloonytoons, she laughs at her pain and occasionally she tries to be a better woman for her man (Alex) . He does encourage her and appreciates every effort she makes. It must be hard to try change part of yourself. She almost always makes him stark raving mad too but he’s never given up on her. It is adorable but no man like that exists I know. On that subject, I came across this quote: “There is nothing more rewarding in this world than…someone seeing all of you and accepting it as it is. “I’ll take the one with the beautiful dents that likes to cry at commercials. I see potential in this one.” You take me and I take you. Sold!”

I thought if I subjected this blog to soliloquies on my gripe du jour (fancy eh?) I would essentially be laughing at my pain…you would laugh with me and maybe with time I would get over my issues and be this all rounded individual who brings comfort and joy to her loved ones instead of some drug addicted narcissistic black hole of need I am in danger of becoming. To be someone Wolf would have loved unconditionally. Yes I miss Wolf, and it’s sad that I lost my Wolf this time indefinitely.

Date a girl who reads by Rosemarie Urquico

“You should date a girl who reads

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends
her money on books instead of clothes. She has
problems with closet space because she has too
many books. Date a girl who has a list of books
she wants to read, who has had a library card
since she was twelve.

 
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does
because she will always have an unread book in
her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the
shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly
cries out when she finds the book she wants.
You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an
old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the
reader. They can never resist smelling the
pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that
coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek
at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating
on top because she’s kind of engrossed already.
Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit
down. She might give you a glare, as most girls
who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her
if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of
Murakami. See if she got through the first
chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she
says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s
just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if
she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her

books for her birthday, for Christmas and for
anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in
poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound,
Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you
understand that words are love. Understand
that she knows the difference between books
and reality but by god, she’s going to try to
make her life a little like her favorite book. It
will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will
understand your need to lie. Behind words are
other things: motivation, value, nuance,
dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that
failure always leads up to the climax. Because
girls who read understand that all things will come
to end, but you can always write a sequel. That
you can begin again and again and still be the
hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are
not? Girls who read understand that people,
like characters, develop. Except in
the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close.
When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book
to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of
tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple
of hours but she will always come back to you.
She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are
real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during
a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s
sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why
your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over
your chest yet. You will write the story of your
lives, have kids with strange names and even
stranger tastes. She will introduce your
children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe
in the same day. You will walk the winters of
your old age together and she will recite Keats
under her breath while you shake the snow off
your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it.

You deserve a girl who can give you the most
colorful life imaginable. If you can only give
her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked
proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you
want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a
girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.