This is not my intellectual property. All credits go to this
Canadian lgbti site I came across last night. http://idigyourgirlfriend.com , post by
Dee. I wish I had thought of all this first…had me chuckling and nodding in
agreement the whole time. I am sure you are all going to enjoy this.
Creative answers to
THAT age old question.
We’ve all heard it. We’ve been standing nonchalantly in the
corner of a party, or pouring coffee in the break room, or sitting next to an
obnoxious frat boy at a crowded pub, and after introducing ourselves and our
significant other, or even better, after the person has figured it out
themselves, they ask, “So how DO lesbians have sex, anyways? Like, isn’t it
just technically fooling around?“
I know. Every cell in your body is telling you to grab them
a little too firmly by the shoulders, look deep into the vacant depths of their
eyes, and whisper “GOOGLE IT“.
But, alas, we usually just fumble out something mildly
sarcastic and hope the conversation quickly diverts to another topic.
So, since the straight population seems to find it perfectly
acceptable to go around asking highly awkward personal questions, I’ve taken it
upon myself to provide you with some equally awkward, much more entertaining
responses.
Feel free to use these at any point!
1. “We don’t.”
This one is best executed when combined with a completely
stone cold facial expression and locked eye contact. Trust me; their facial
expression will quickly resemble that of a 2 year old who’s just had his nose
“stolen”.
2. “The TMI”
With this response, they key is to just immediately jump
into the most detailed, personal, gritty details of girl-on-girl intercourse.
You don’t have to use actual details from your sex life, feel free to exaggerate
and falsify whatever you’d like in this situation. Oh, and ten points for every
time you use the words “fluids” or “excretions”.
3. “The Samuel L.
Jackson”
“I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THESE MAWFAWKIN HETEROS ON
THIS MAWFAWKIN SUBJECT.” Be loud, be vulgar, be convincing. I guarantee you,
it’ll be the last time they ever ask anyone about girl on girl anything.
4. “The Open
Invitation”
Find the nearest, highest object you can stand on, and
announce to everyone within a 2 kilometre radius that *insert name here*
doesn’t understand how women have sex with one another, and that the floor is
now open to the general public for tips, pointers, and educational
demonstrations.
5. “The Interpretive
Dance Explanation”
Okay, so, you’ve really got to commit to this one. But if
you don’t mind making a mild fool out of yourself, this can be epic proportions
of hilarious.
6. “The Burn”
“It’s kind of complicated. If you want, I could take your
girlfriend home with me tonight and give her a private lesson and then she can
relay the information back to you.”
7. “The Parent Talk”
“You see, *insert name here*, when two ladies really love each
other, they show each other by kissing, touching, and being sexually intimate.
Do you know what sexually intimate means, sweetie?” Use the most annoying,
high-pitched, coochy-cooing Mom voice you can muster, and if you’re feeling
extra condescending, pinch one of their cheeks.
8. “The Limit”
“Nope. Not today. Not today! This is NOT happening to me
TODAY! You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve reached my wits end! MY WITS END!!!”...
Your social circle may question your mental stability for a couple days, but in
the long run, it’ll be worth it 9 times out of 10.
9. “The Hippy”
“Dude. Duuuuuude. I don’t know, bro. How DO they do it?!
Like, when you think about it man, like, its just like, intense, you know?
Like, when you REALLY stop to think about it. Are you thinking about it? I’m
thinking about it man. I’m tooootallyyyy thinking about it.”
10. “The Feminist”
Yup. I went there. Give him the full on lecture about social
constructs and the moral implications of asking such a personal, crude and
immature question. Provide them with a FULL list of educational resources that
can best explain the process, if they are truly curious. Then proceed to
explain to them how every relationship is unique, therefore the methods each
couple uses to stimulate one another are unique to them, and that there is no
“one way”.
They’ll apologize or return from whence they came before you
finish. Every. damn. time.
