Mermaids,Merginas and I'm all over the place...

December is here! Well almost; almost does count in this case. The month where visitors, mostly relatives, will descend upon your house holds to chew with their mouths open and dispense unsolicited advice. This is when your vindictive loathsome she beast of an aunt will goad you about your fertile child bearing hips and your racing biological clock. Then every married woman within 100 meter radius will chime in and who’s ever prepared for this estrogen lynch mob? Not a good time for us Sapphic sisters; it’s more of an out of the frying pan into the volcano situation. You made your bed and now you gotta bang whatever crawls into it.

 Have you started your search for an impotent man boy to parade as your beard for the holidays? That is family though; black holes where you throw in your happiness love worry and concern and there is no guarantee you’ll get anything back! My plans for December you ask? Of course, continuing my quest of dying alone among other things. We shall cross that bridge when we get there!

 I have often wondered if mermaids have merginas too, I do not know. The title was a ploy to get you here. See how much this writer’s block thing has messed me up? I’m resorting to cheap tricks to get you to skim through my material. My liver has also taken a pretty hard hit. I bet I can now drink you under the table on top of the table, somewhere close to the table and get kicked out of the establishment housing that table. I have had practice, drinking alone in my room. I’m not proud of that. Whatever.

“Fifty shades of grey” the movie has been cast! I am happy as long as twilight’s what’s her face doesn’t play Anastasia Steele. I cannot wait to see this movie along with millions of women around the world. Sex and debasement; there is something to talk about on your third date. Show me a woman who has never had an orgasm and I’ll show you one who has never been degraded in bed. Oh scoff all you want feminist. Your present hostility is a barely concealed form of foreplay. Oh you know you want it you horny insatiable little slut, I’m only happy to oblige!

Well that escalated fast…and what is wrong with me?

Romance: sigh…let’s just say I’m going with the flow. Taking things slow. By slow I mean a leisurely pace and not developmentally challenged. Though I could be somewhat challenged, if you talk to the right people. Sometimes when I think about love in all its glory and gore there is a white hot sun of misery in my chest. Because what. The. Fuck. Other times it’s the gushy gooey warmth that comes with it which I suppose makes it worth it. Take all the best moments and hold them to your heart for when you need them. I seem to have grounded myself in a pit of hormonal emotions and wish fulfillment of late. 

Which reminds me, it’s been awhile since I went clubbing; nothing gets me out of a funk like gyrating in one those STD mosh pits we call dance floors till four in the morning! Anything to get me out of my hoodies and shorts that does not involve a wedding without booze.

I pose the question, how comes when most ladies wear giant hoodies and messy hair in a loose bun they come off laid back and fantastic while I look like I have tried every drug Nairobi has to offer? It’s not fair. I do have one thing going for me though, I can now touch my ears with my knees…yes, and I’ll just let that visual sink in. happy December folks!