Alone? Lonely? Liberated?

It’s been a minute… I had writers’ block as thick as thoughts could make ‘em. Then, we had elections marred by tribalism, nepotism, corruption and everything you would expect of an election in a third world country. Alas! No post-election violence; it is surprising considering the negative tribal undertones on social media whereby I learned the presence of  foreskin or lack thereof on a penis does not contribute to the emotional maturity or mental growth of a man. Hey! I’m just saying.

I’m single. Again. For the umpteenth time. (Cue sympathetic oohs). *chuckles*. Truly on my way to becoming the Picasso of loneliness and broken souls. We had already established in previous posts that I am a flight risk when it comes to relationships. I guess I saw this one coming this time which would explain why I am not so torn up about it; wishing Wolf would get her next period in a shark tank!

I am mostly to blame too. I wouldn’t give her the one thing a Wolf needs…a Wolf whose emotional walls can be seen from space!…I wouldn’t listen…without overreacting; ESPECIALLY when I was somewhat involved.

My Pandora’s box of emotional baggage and psychological damage was also pried open a little.  I will take you through what I have and might possibly still have stashed in there.

Abandonment issues:  just to be clear, I am not a dumpster baby *chuckles*. This does explains why I am always the one to leave (before I am left). I never give my partners a chance to know me because of that crippling fear once they know the real me, they will leave. Why I love the chase, that titillating pre-relationship state but once it goes to the next stage I withdraw emotionally. (Never happened with Wolf). The perfectionist in me…I know it’s not so obvious but I crave perfection and when I fail my soul dies a little. Wolf can attest to that. The need to perfect at blogging, dressing, listening, studies, body type etc. which is probably why I got so wrapped up in my head at the end. I couldn’t take one more complaint, criticism or any funny random comment that could be construed as “YOU SUCK RED!!”

Daddy issues: don’t even say it!  Characterized by; Aggressive flirtation, exhibitionism tendencies, promiscuity and a bunch of emotional hang-ups. I like my daddy issues! I am a fantastic lay because I tap into these issues! Though full disclosure- I do not let strangers feel me up or flash my crotch at school children. (It happens). That’s all am saying.

Self-esteem issues; Well, I can explain that. I was an ugly duckling growing up all the way through high school then I blossomed into this beautiful, smart swan just learning to love and accept herself and you know what they say about old habits so back off my balls!

There were many other smaller seemingly insignificant issues that I care not to go into but generally pointed at the fact that I am not a very good emotional tampon and to quote Wolf “I should date a stone.” My suffocating brand of love was threatening to suck the life out of her. So Wolf left me, at the cupid bus station, twiddling my thumbs. Pity party of one: open bar *chuckles* .

This post was inspired by Whitney, the sitcom produced by Whitney Cummings. She has 7 butt loads baggage, she doesn’t try to cover up the crazymcloonytoons, she laughs at her pain and occasionally she tries to be a better woman for her man (Alex) . He does encourage her and appreciates every effort she makes. It must be hard to try change part of yourself. She almost always makes him stark raving mad too but he’s never given up on her. It is adorable but no man like that exists I know. On that subject, I came across this quote: “There is nothing more rewarding in this world than…someone seeing all of you and accepting it as it is. “I’ll take the one with the beautiful dents that likes to cry at commercials. I see potential in this one.” You take me and I take you. Sold!”

I thought if I subjected this blog to soliloquies on my gripe du jour (fancy eh?) I would essentially be laughing at my pain…you would laugh with me and maybe with time I would get over my issues and be this all rounded individual who brings comfort and joy to her loved ones instead of some drug addicted narcissistic black hole of need I am in danger of becoming. To be someone Wolf would have loved unconditionally. Yes I miss Wolf, and it’s sad that I lost my Wolf this time indefinitely.