SORRY NOT SORRY, THE POLITICIANS APOLOGY.

I am sorry I haven’t been writing often but if you guys read, shared and paid me for my musings, I would drop out of med school and entertain you full time. That folks, is a classic fart bag apology.
Fart bag: noun (taboo, slang) An individual who hurts you in any way and proceeds to blame you for your pain.

We have all given or heard non-apologies at one point in our lives. I shamefully admit that I have sinned when it comes to the fauxpology department. I have since evolved and learnt better and I want to spread this basic but strangely obscure skill of apologising. Non apologies are the kind of statements that (mis)use the word sorry but do not express responsibilities for faults, purposefully and wilfully miss the point and are most often used to elicit forgiveness without acknowledging wrongdoings.

How to spot an effective fake apology

1.Whenever the word sorry is followed by if, you, you’re, but … I’m sorry if I hurt you, sorry you’re offended, sorry you are upset. The offender is basically apologising for the fact that you cannot handle their douchebaggery and with all due respect could you please adopt the personality of an inanimate object and stop inconveniencing the world with your basic human emotions.

2.The brothers “you are too sensitive you need to lighten up”, “I think you are overreacting” followed closely by their cousin “I didn’t mean it like that”. For a long time I thought being sensitive was the worst trait you could have until I realised being a supreme cunt is the worst trait any human being should have. Don’t let anybody make you feel pathetic for lacking the ability to endure insult gracefully. It not your fault they are terrible people. You do not need to lighten up, those jokes are not funny.

3.I am sorry you feel that feel that way but (insert bullshit reasons why you’re feelings are not valid and how you brought it on yourself). Just because you’re creative enough to come up with noble reasons for your actions does not negate the insensitivity of your actions. You are sorry but you don’t think the situation justifies the level of upset the offended is expressing. Well I am sorry I punched you in the throat but you are a complete and utter turd.

Now that you know. These are the basic components of an authentic adult apology.
1.A clear “I am sorry”
2.An acknowledgement of fault and expression of regret over what happened. Do not ruin it with excuses, its manipulative and annoying.
3.A solution to make it right and avoid making the same mistake again.

Sounds so simple doesn’t it? For the ego it’s not, but you can get there. It’s embarrassing to be called out on your bullshit and we cop out by giving fauxpologies. We should bite the bullet more often and take responsibility for our words and actions. Adulting is hard enough, don’t make it worse by being self-absorbed and insensitive to other people’s feelings.   I prefer if somebody did not apologise to me at all than add insult to injury by giving me BS apologies. It has definitely made the list of things that make my tits ache with palpable rage!